HPV and Me (TMI) Part 3
All hunky-dory until last weekend, when I my period was due again. I had menstrual pains much worse than labour, on and off, but little bleeding. I have a high pain threshold anytime (no pain relief at all for my daughter's birth) and have visited A&E just once in my life, when I couldn't stop a deep cut in my hand bleeding and needed stitches. It was my medical friend who thought I needed to be seen, after being incapacitated by pain so severe I was retching, sweating buckets and rolling around incapable of speech, for the third morning in a row.
Long story short- treated like a stupid schoolgirl panicking at her first period at A&E on Sunday night. Told nurse I had severe menstrual pain- worse than labour- but no bleeding, then nurse asked if I was in any pain (?) No vaginal exam in A&E because 'it's policy to preserve privacy'. Friend was asked "Are you a doctor?" when she suggested my fanny might have cervical stenosis (blocked/scarred cervix) after the last treatment, and when she answered "Yes", A&E doctor was gobsmacked but still sent me home without exam, on ibuprofen (already taken) and a referral for an 'emergency' gynae triage appointment on Tuesday.
So, after two more days of severe pain, an ultrasound on Tuesday showed my uterus was packed with unexpelled menstrual products and my cervix was completely stenosed.
I was in very bad pain and did not behave well to the gynae nurse who asked me when my last period was, and refused to understand I couldn't answer this ("Do you mean pain or bleeding?" I asked, with no comprehension on her side). Then she asked me to confirm I'd attended in June for a 'colonoscopy' (clearly she didn't know her arse from my fanny) and that's when I finally lost it with her.
After another 2 hours, I saw a baby doc who explained that our theory was correct. My fanny's cervix was blocked by the last treatment and the blood and clots from my last three periods are backed up and festering in my womb. She said we'd wait for her boss, Mama Doc, to become available, then they'd examine my fanny and try to pass a 'probe' through my cervix to allow the muck to be expelled. Baby Doc was lovely and approachable, so I felt able to state that they'd better fucking give me some decent fucking pain relief before they tried putting a fucking knitting needle up my fucking fanny. Wouldn't she want the same?
Finally someone was listening to me, and the particularly stupid 'colonoscopy' nurse was called through again to (ungraciously) give me some proper, opiate-based pain relief. Baby Doc and Mama Doc had a look up my fanny and made noises to the effect that my cervix was barely there anymore- 'extremely shortened'. Mama Doc tried the knitting needle cure, but the scarring was too deep for her to make a new os.
Mama Doc wanted to book me in for a D&C (to open my cervix and scrape out the muck) under a general anaesthetic that day, but the surgical list is full. Sent home on two heavy-duty antibiotics and opiate painkillers to await the first surgery space on Monday. Started puking badly on Weds night, when the GP added two more anti-vomit pills to the pharmacopaeia. Let this be over soon.
Hopefully, I'll be fine again by Monday night. Thankfully, I do not have cancer of the cervix (credit to Dr Pap, colposcopy and LEEP), but a chain of events has caused me and my fanny a lot of grief, fear, worry and unnecessary pain. The lessons are:
1. Use condoms!
2. Get your daughters (and sons!) vaccinated against HPV!
3. Look after your johnson or your fanny!