Downstairs Neighbour's state of mind

Dearie, dearie me. The serial complainer (me) meets her match in Downstairs Neighbour, and she doesn't like it! The email disturbed me and left me feeling oddly vulnerable. Specifically, DN's attribution of the problem to a lack of consideration on my part is both incorrect and potentially psychologically unhealthy, and it is worrisome that when one type of noise problem is solved a new one takes its place.

DN's initial noise complaint was of percussion noise, which is objectively corroborated as a major problem with stripped floors such as mine. This type of noise is mechanically transmitted and amplified by the physical structures in a tenement. But media-volume noise (excluding the bass of e.g. deep dub reggae or techno music) is an airborne pressure wave. The mechanical and physical properties of old tenements' structure tend to insulate and baffle this type of noise very well.

Neither my TV nor radio contact any floors or walls, the daily pattern of my media-listening habits is unchanged and the volume settings of my TV or radio have not been adjusted. So where does it come from?

Though we have no social contact, DN's complaints have had far-reaching effects on my thoughts and behaviour. I think of him every night- tiptoeing round my flat in bare feet, hushing the kiddos up, stopping the wee wan practising her dancing except on carpet and in daytime. DN effectively invades my bedroom every night, mentally, whether he's complaining or not, and there are aspects of this dominance and control which are unreasonable and unhealthy. I'm well aware that he feels that I invade his space too, but it's becoming apparent that the counter-measures I undertake may always be insufficient.

So, who 'owns' this problem, as asked by Rob? Possibly, as Rob implied, it now belongs to both of us. DN definitely has a problem and possibly a type of fixation (though not in a good way) with me. In response, I'm also now becoming overly involved with DN (again not in a good way), and over-attending to his comfort and appeasement.

I don't know for sure the best way to 'solve' our co-owned problem. I suspect that my supplicatory approach till now has some unhealthy aspects, feeding a folie a deux misconception that if I will only try harder, his problem will go away.

I have tried really, really hard and the poor man still can't sleep. He couldn't sleep before I moved in and he'll continue not to sleep if I go. If I continue to play soft-ball and accept his blame, I'm feeding the misattribution. On the other hand, sleep deprivation can make one truly crazy (I speak from personal as well as professional experience), and challenging his blame belief could augment my status to pure, evil enemy.

Here's how I responded last night:

Hi [DN],

Sorry to hear you've been disturbed recently by my TV or radio, most recently on Tuesday night, and thanks for letting me know of this recent problem.

Certainly, I would have had either BBC 2 TV or BBC Radio World Service on all night on Tuesday night (as every night), because this has always been the case. I can't fall asleep without spoken word in the background.

I'm perplexed about this new problem because my sleep pattern is more 'normal' than when we last spoke, my media habits (and volume settings) are unaltered, and my hearing is not significantly impaired as yet (though this will come!).

I did indeed have a late night on Tuesday, but this example was recent enough that I can specifically attest that I was that night implementing the counter-measures previously agreed to preserve your sleep, as I've done assiduously in recent months.

Since lack of consideration is not the problem, yet nothing implemented so far is improving your quality of life, it may be that we need to consider sharing the costs of carpeting my bedroom. I'm willing to discuss this if you think it might solve the problem. Let me know.

Yours sincerely,
[ion]

I'm opening this issue up for any budding agony aunts. Any good advice for me?