Road Trip II

Our road trip was afflicted by bad weather and common cold infections in both R. and me, but these didn't detract from the adventure. R. had booked us a room by phone in Alnwick with a rather flirtatious B&B owner, who I shall call Lionel. We had been assured that we were booked in his best room, and his pride in it was evident on arrival as he showed off its white leather armchair, a cheap repro Louis Quinze wardrobe highlighted in gold paint, cream carpets and electric gilt candelabra. He sat provocatively on the bed as he welcomed us, made a formulaic joke that the shower switch was to activate a video of our action in his room, then handed over an A4 sheet of house rules, including a room inventory labelled as a 'Room Itinerary'. The fragrance offered in the en-suite was 'Burberry Brit'.

It was a non-smoker, but after a good dinner in town over a robust bottle of red I was compelled to smoke too much and not all tobacco during 'Eurovision' in our jammies back at the B&B. In accordance with house rules I was taking myself out to the front area on the street for smoke breaks, but Lionel hadn't closed the curtains while he entertained a lady guest downstairs, and I couldn't help but spy. To all appearances she was the less willing wincher on the sofa, for the body language was of her at her end of the sofa with Lionel all over her from his side. He was not tall, but has a large personality and tight jeans.

Perhaps the best of the many laughs we got from staying at Lionel's were his comments on other guests. A previous entry in his guestbook noted that the B&B was clean but that Lionel was 'a fusspot' (which is quite an idiomatic term). His explanation for this was that the signatory was an older Italian lady who had lusted after him, but she was 'at least 45' and 'no picture'. In just 12 hours, Lionel provided us with enough entertainment to justify the B&B price.