Dear Peter

Dear Peter,

You may be a friend's partner, but that does not entitle you to phone me up at midnight, repeatedly, on both home phone and mobile until you pull me out of bed to make it stop. If I am not answering, I am fucking out or busy. Sleeping. I suspect you wanted to ramble on in a Korsakov's manner again about selling my roofbox to your neighbour. As I told you I do not care. Midnight calls are exclusively for family emergencies- no exceptions.

Furthermore, please excise constant references to your meat and two veg from conversation, especially when your partner is out of the room. I do not care how your Borders ballocks suffer in the rain on your big motorbike. Such gems of discourse are not sexy or alluring, but repellant, and I prefer not to think of them.

Yours,
ion