To L'Oreal, Pantene and RoC

I gather that your ads are aimed at me, but until you explain in what units hair or skin 'shininess', 'softness' and 'smoothness' are measured, your quantitative claims of 60% or 70% improvement in such qualities have no content or meaning whatsoever.

If you pay me a large amount of money, I will construct, calibrate and validate scales of these qualities, and design and conduct human trials to prove your claims. The units of hair shininess will be known as ponies, hair and skin softness as marshmallows and skin smoothness in peaches. I have lots more good ideas like this. I know I'm worth it, but am yet to be convinced that you are.