To the Partygoers

Dear Partygoers,

To those who came and enjoyed themselves sensibly, thanks for celebrating the Big Wan's 15th birthday. To you others, you're a disgrace to your families and have only sheep mentality. You're the ones who-

• Stubbed out cigarettes in shoes, the sugarbowl and the sink
• Tossed knives and empty beer tins in the laundry basket, two feet from a bin
• Threw mango pulp on the wall
• Strewed pumpkin seeds all over the house
• Ate everything in the fridge
  
• Vomited in a bed
• Tipped a suitcase full of clothes into the garden, putting a hole in the anti-pigeon netting outside
  
• Left hotrock burns in the carpet
• Fucked off home at the the prospect of cleaning up after yourselves

What's that about? I gather that the Big Wan didn't even enjoy himself, having to spend his time patrolling to prevent worse behaviour. If only I'd known, sleeping badly next door, I would've first kicked your heads in, then told your nicey-nicey middle-class parents exactly what you did, then came around to your house and taken a shit on your beds. When I find out who it was, that's still on the cards. An eye for an eye.

Signed,
Mother from Hell

PS Whichever of you little fucks stole the landline phone- how stupit are you? The handset only works within 20m of the cradle.

PPS Just discovered some more thanks for hospitality, with my neighbour's help- superglue in my front door lock, now knackered. We've had to kick in the door tonight to get home. It's a comfort to know incontrovertibly that what goes around comes around.