#2 Breakdown

Don't be alarmed by subject content- not a sign of breakdown but of digestion.

I'd gotten back from the worst academic conference ever in Australia, though I'd received a prize during the proceedings. Work anxiety and jetlag had combined to a point that I slept only a handful of hours the whole week I was there, and eaten practically nothing in that time. My mind was working overtime in an extremely unhealthy manner, and I was in a state of anxiety so desperate that I'd thought fleetingly about jumping from a high building, just to make it stop. It's absurd to even try to explain now.

When I got finally back home, the kids, their dad and my old friend D. were there. I told them that I'd lost my job, my career was over and that I couldn't go back to work. All predicated life was over. Later, as I lay in bed replaying in my head my hypomanic and parasuicidal behaviour at the conference, BBC World Service started reporting a mass religious suicide in Uganda. I had absolutely no intention of killing myself, but was ready in a different way to meet my maker. The phone rang and then hung up, the sign I was waiting for. It was imperative at that time that I be together with loved ones, ready for a biophilic rapture and epiphany. I gently but hurriedly assembled my family, ready to the answer the expected judgement ring at the doorbell.

No one came to the door or rang the bell. My friend D. talked me into swallowing a couple of her valiums in order to sleep. That helped, and the next day I'd lost the Ugandan suicide connection, but continued to secretly hold onto a world conspiracy involving my colleagues and family for a couple of weeks afterwards.